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Adoption
FAQ
Do you have advice for someone who wishes
to adopt a second or third time?
"We were so lucky the first time, there’s
no way we could be that lucky again."
These are the sentiments of countless parents
who are thrilled with their first child and uncertain
if they "could be that lucky again."
Parents, by birth or adoption, wonder if they
would ever love another child as much as they
love their first.
Parents by adoption, however, tend to feel more
dependent on "luck," due to the uncertainty
and lack of control inherent in the adoption process.
On the plus side, there are many more chances
available to parents through adoption. With chance,
however, comes decision. Should both children
be from the same country and racial background?
Now that we can state a sex preference, should
we?
These are often the questions which returning
parents pose to their social workers. While we
do not have "the" answer to these questions,
we do have knowledge and experience which we use
to broaden parents' quest for "the"
answer to one which allows room for more possibilities.
So when parents ask "Could we be lucky again?,"
they are likely to hear, "Of course, next
time your luck will bring you a very different
child."
If you are considering a second adoption and have
questions or concerns which are stalling your
decision, the Alliance social work staff are available
to assist you. We have asked some of our families
to share their "second child" stories
and we've put these stories in their own section
in the Adoption Stories
area of this web site. We hope you find these
"stories" informative and entertaining.
If you have suggestions for future adoption "themes"
or a story you would like to share, let us know!
- Patricia Hoopes, MSW, LICSW
I am just starting
an adoption process, and I am overwhelmed by all
the choices and decisions. How do I decide on
a domestic or an international adoption?
It is not surprising that you're overwhelmed.
There is a lot to know about both international
and domestic adoption. Here are some of the many
factors that may influence your decision:
* your ability to meet eligibility requirements
like age and marital status
* cost
* travel requirements
* availability of children and length of process
* age of child
* health of child
These factors may vary widely in both international
and domestic programs. Start by becoming informed!
Sources of information include the following:
* recently published books (within the last five
years)
* the Internet
* The Open Door Society, providing education and
resources on adoption:
1-800-93ADOPT
* adoption agencies--most of which hold free
monthly information meetings (Click here for
times and locations of upcoming Alliance adoption
information meetings.)
Take the time to learn about adoption--your efforts
will be rewarded!
I've recently
decided to adopt. I'm worried about my parents,
and how they will react to the news. What should
I do?
First of all, have confidence in your decision
and resolve any internal doubts you may have before
telling them. That way, if they challenge you
(e.g. tell you that you are too old to become
a parent), it won't hit a sensitive spot. You'll
know that they're saying something that simply
isn't true.
Begin the conversation with "I have something
important to discuss." It reduces the likelihood
that you will not be taken seriously. Even if
you suspect that your parents may be less than
thrilled, approach them as if you are sharing
the most wonderful news in the world. Create a
celebratory atmosphere by baking a cake, bringing
flowers, or buying a gift in honor of the new
role they will have after your child arrives.
You may want to write a list of questions and
answers to give to them. Or you can hand out books
that are geared to friends and relatives of prospective
adoptive parents. Two good ones are Supporting
an Adoption by Pat Holmes and When
Friends Ask About Adoption by Linda Bothun.
Both are available through various book stores
and adoption book catalogs.
Give them time to adjust. Don't give up, and keep
trying to build bridges. Most people come around
eventually. And never lose your sense of humor.
It may be your best defense.
If your parents have a negative reaction that
doesn't change over time, know that they are saying
something much more about themselves than they
are about you or the child you are planning to
adopt. If you have done all you can, then hold
your head high and let it go. There are plenty
of people out there--including those within the
adoption community itself--who will support you,
and who will appreciate your family for what it
adds to our world.
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For
more information, feel free to contact us:
The Alliance for Children, Inc.
464 Hillside Ave. Suite 300
Needham, MA 02494
Tel (781) 444-7148
Fax (781) 444-7979
info@allforchildren.org
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